I’m just checking in to meet a self-imposed, at-least-one-post-per-month commitment. Not much knitting lately, which is partly the subject of these musings. Warning: self-pitying blathering ahead….
I used to think that who I am is defined by what I’m doing. It turns out not so much. Ever since my dad passed away last July, I have not been doing many things I love, such as knit, surf, and definitely sing. Way too much of my time (for my taste) has been devoted to the first-born duties of managing my mom’s business, which involves lots of travel to NorCal. Unfortunately, my skill set makes me the most logical to (1) contact the tax and probate lawyer, (2) interface the with county lawyer handling the suit in which my dad was named as a minor defendant (now resolved), (3) file a lawsuit against the builder because her house is slipping slowly down the hill, (4) handle moving most of her accounts online, and (5) tie up loose ends of investments and loans and property that my dad hadn’t managed well in his last few years. Sigh. It sounds even worse when I write it all out.
Fortunately I don’t have to do much with Mom’s healthcare because that’s my #2 sister’s kuleana (pidgin for … expertise, I guess). She’s an RN. Plus she’s got a growing baby who keeps all of us focused on children and a happy future (mine are college-age). My baby sister and my brother handle the emotional business and daily/weekly tasks like taking out the trash, but I think I got the laboring oar because that’s how we do things in our family. My dad was the first-born out of 7 and the most prosperous. We have been discovering how many relatives he supported through medical school, moved to the US, co-signed with on property, and just outright made generous loans to. What a legacy to have to live up to!
Back to IDENTITY. I guess “first-born” is one of them. Wife and mom comes next in absorbing my time and attention. Teacher of course is way up there. Formerly, it was knitter, but, as I said, I haven’t been “doing” that except sporadically, much less attending my groups, in MONTHS. Geek is up there, too – witness my blogging attempts, following tech news, and indulging in the latest gadgets (no, i DON’T have an iPhone because we can’t get ATT at my house). Also, I remain active as a lector at my church. But very little of the other stuff that I thought was part of my identity makes up ANY of my time. I used to participate in both Stanford and UCLA alumni functions; I used to sing with this or that group occasionally; I used to surf with my kids (plantar fasciitis has interfered but that’s another whiny story); I “graduated” from the service organization (NCL) that my daughter and I used to volunteer for; I was an avid reader; I used to play the hammer dulcimer, piano and concertina; I used to go to the theater and new restaurants regularly. Yikes! My life is even more pathetic that I thought.
OTOH, I’m not living in the middle of an isolated earthquake or cyclone-devastated area, so I should just get a grip….
Token knitting content: I’ve reorganized my office (i.e. moved languishing OTN projects into the closet. In the process I resurrected the Cable-Down Raglan in a lovely wine colored Debbie Bliss Cash Aran that I started about a year ago because it’s pretty and feels great in my hands to knit. I’m glad I learned to knit combination because I can tell it’s helped me keep my tension uber even despite the long delay.
If you’ve gotten this far, thanks for listening. Just getting this off my chest has helped enormously. Back to grading, and maybe a phone call to a loving family member and little knitting before I go to bed.